It's Friday. Sex?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
