Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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