Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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