I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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