He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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