Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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