I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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