I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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