I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think a kid would responsible me up
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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