I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
