What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
