I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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