Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
