I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
