I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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