If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
