Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
