seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
