He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
