You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
