but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
