hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
