Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
