Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
