I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
