wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
