Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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