Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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