if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
