Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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