We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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