I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize