i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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