just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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