I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
