tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
