his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize