dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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