She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
