can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
