we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize