Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
