youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
