I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize