Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
