Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize