I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
