I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
