Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
