I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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