Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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