I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
