Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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