i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
