Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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