a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
