i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
